We’ve all been involved in a conversation over the work water cooler that had us rolling our eyes to the back of our heads.
You know, the chat with a co-worker where they ask you a question that’s seemingly about you, but really it’s so they can bring the conversation back to themselves.
Take this for example…
Co-worker: ‘How’s the workload at the minute?’
You: ‘I’m actually feeling a bit overwh-‘
Co-worker: ‘Honestly, I’m just so overworked and it’s just been such a stressful time.’
Yeah, that’s an example of a ‘boomerasker’ – a term combining the words ‘boomerang’ and ‘ask’.
Boomerasking was coined by professors Alison Wood Brooks and Michael Yeomans, in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, where they examined microdecisions people make when conversing.
‘[It] starts with someone asking a question, but—like a boomerang—the question returns quickly to its source,’ the study reads.
The professors identified three different types of boomerasks you can encounter.
Ask-bragging is where they ask a question to then boast about something – like a holiday, running a marathon or success with a work project. Ask-complaining is where you ask a question to then say something negative (see our initial example), while ask-sharing is asking a question to then say something neutral.
This behaviour isn’t quite leaving the impression the culprit might think, either. ‘Though boomeraskers believe they leave positive impressions, in practice, their decision to share their own answer—rather than follow up on their partner’s—appears egocentric and disinterested in their partner’s perspective,’ the study reads.
‘As a result, people perceive boomeraskers as insincere and prefer conversation partners who straightforwardly self-disclose.’
The researchers conducted eight separate studies of 100-200 people each and found that most people are able to deduce when they’re in a conversation with a boomerasker and that it makes them feel ignored.
Are you a boomerasker?
If you feel like you might be guilty of this habit, Metro enlisted the help of Counselling Directory therapist Louise Malyan, to spot the warning signs.
When it comes who’s more likely to boomerask, Louise explains: ‘People who struggle with low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, or social anxiety are more prone to boomerasking.
‘They may fear being unheard or unseen in conversations, leading them to constantly steer discussions back to themselves.’
She adds that people with ADHD may also do this unintentionally due to ‘impulsivity and difficultly with conversational turn-taking’.
Those who feel lonely or disconnected may use conversations as a way to seek validation or reassurance, without realising they’re dominating the interaction.
There are some easy ways to deduce if you’re a boomerasker, the first being that people’s responses become short or disengaged, according to the therapist.
Another telltale sign is if you find you feel anxious if you’re not talking about yourself, as is interrupting or redirecting conversations often.
Maybe your friends and colleagues just don’t share much with you anymore – that’s another possible indicator.
How to get out the habit of boomerasking
Practice ‘conversational sharing‘ – Instead of turning the topic to yourself immediately, acknowledge and validate what the other person is saying first.
Journal your thoughts beforehand – If you have a strong urge to be heard, writing your feelings down can help process them before you enter a conversation.
Use the ‘two question rule’ – Before adding your own experience, ask two follow-up questions about the other person.
Balance your sharing – If you share something about yourself, follow up with, “Has that ever happened to you?” to bring the conversation back.
Build other outlets for expression – If you need validation or connection, creative activities, therapy, or deeper self-reflection can help meet that need.
How to deal with a boomerasker
If you find yourself constantly stuck in a conversation with someone who always wants to bring it back to themselves, therapist Louise has some coping mechanisms.
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She explains: ‘Gently redirect the conversation by saying “that’s really interesting – I’d love to hear more about [original topic]”.’
Changing the dynamic can also help apparently, for example if it’s a close friend, Louise suggests trying an activity where talking isn’t the sole focus, to take the pressure off.
‘Setting boundaries can be useful,’ she adds. ‘If someone constantly dominates the conversation, you can say, “I love hearing about your experiences, but I’d like to share mine too.”‘
Lastly, you may find you simply have to ‘accept and adjust’. Louise says: ‘Some people won’t change and, in those cases, it’s about managing your own expectations rather than trying to shift their behaviour.’
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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